Are expectations and assumptions ruining lives?
I believe in some cases they are through no fault of our own. So let me explain:-
We put a lot of energy into worrying about what others are thinking about us, what we have done to deserve certain behaviours or what we have done wrong, all made on assumptions we have formed as they haven't returned our calls, haven't been in touch for awhile or from how we are reading their body language or how they are acting towards us.
But why are we so quick to assume and blame ourselves? Why don't we actually ask them or take action or call them ourselves? Wouldn't that save us a lot of stress, wasted energy and stop us having to worry about things that might not actually be true? Might it not be because they are busy, they are having issues themselves, they are struggling or just have a lot on. There could be multiple reasons and isn't it best to know so that a) we can put our minds to rest, b) we can do something about it if needs be or c) we can potentially help them.
We also have great expectations of life, of others and going into situations and how they might pan out! When these don't go as planned we can slump into a low mood, beat ourselves up, become our own worst critic, blame others, become really deflated, depressed etc. Why are we putting so much emphasis on everything going so perfectly?!
Doesn't life have a habit of showing us that it isn't picture perfect and we often have to work at it. Aren't these things sent to teach us lessons and until we get that lesson they will keep happening!
I can so resonate with this. It has taken me a long time to realise but now that I have life is so much better. It doesn't all get handed to us on a plate, right! We also have very little control over things.
Marisa Peer, world reknowned therapist and founder of RTT (Rapid Transformational Therapy) points out that we can't control the weather, the traffic, how others behave etc but still we expect so much!
Peter Sage who has studied human behaviour says the quickest way to unhappiness is to expect
others to behave, act or experience things the way we want them to, as we all experience things differently. For example we could take a group of three friends who all sit on the sea front eating the exact same meal of fish and chips and they will all experience and take different things from that meal and experience. One might find it a bit chilly and the fish and chips a bit oily, another might find it uncomfortable, awkward and the fish soggy where as the other might find the whole experience perfectly alright, the meal lovely and rave on about it for weeks! See we all experience and take things differently but that is as it should be as we are all unique! We really don't have the right to expect everyone to be exactly how we want them to be and wouldn't life be dull if they were!
Shouldn't we be kinder on ourselves and focus on what we can control, go into things with a more open mind, be more amenable, do what we can to avoid disappointment, stop being the butt of others issues, all by communicating more! Let people know what you are expecting of them. Never assume someone knows what you are thinking, wanting, expecting and visa versa.
If we can access situations and honestly say that we have done nothing wrong then it probably is the other persons issue and not anything to do with you. You can't control that but you can communicate with them so that you can not stress or worry about it and let it go. If you have done something wrong that is something you can control and you can work at putting it right.
I have always said to the staff at my nurseries to never assume anything. Others may not have done a task, might not have thought of an activity, might not know what to do. So talk to each other. Do not expect children to behave a certain way or do things a certain way unless you know they have been taught to do so and been given the opportunity to practice those skills!
So it is no different for all of us in our own lives!! It isn't easy but the more we tell our brains how to process information, how to behave the easier it becomes. If you want to change something sometimes you can do it instantly and other times you have to work at it, a little bit at a time, baby steps to big change!
If this resonates with you do let me know. If you struggle to make changes or are not quite sure why you feel a certain way, what is triggering your mood, reaction or behaviour I am here to help. Why not take up my discounted offer for sessions booked in June (can be taken within the coming months) and get in touch. Invest in yourself as you are important and so worth it. You could #feelheapsbetter. I would love to help and see you on a journey of self discovery and living your best life.